As I wrestle with thoughts and praying for a calm of my emotions not allowing the emotional self to dominate the will of God,I pray for wisdom,knowledge and understanding in the new journey of being a caretaker; the last being my daddy some twenty years ago as he was dying of lung cancer. He and I had an awesome relationship whereas this journey is with my mother,which we have had a strained relationship from the start of the pregnancy if that were possible,probably beginning at my birth as I come into this world two months early and being kept away from my parents, unlike the preemie’s of today, leaving the nurturing to God and the woman who cared for me in the nursery. Somehow my mother was unable to love me as she should and bonding was with my daddy.
My mother and I stopped talking three years ago, for I prayed to have help in honoring her as God instructs us giving us a long life in doing so. The relationship was very toxic for many years and as I sought wise counsel in this matter,after a few days or so I was released from the obligation and I removed myself peacefully from her,she at that time became as if she was my children’s grandmother from their dad’s side of the family in which I had no feelings for nor any bitterness or anything battled many years before; I believe I was in my thirties when the Lord healed my emotional self after she called for no reason to inform me I was once again, ” dead to her” further stating she didn’t love me the way a mother should love her child and wished I had died at birth. Hanging up the phone I fell to the floor crying laying there for no telling how long laying in the fetal position asking God why ??? and to help me with it all as I laid sobbing I heard the Lord whispering so tenderly ” Baby go to my word and read where your eyes fall upon the page”,there I opened the Bible to Ezekiel 16 : 1 -5 As I read this scripture I was overwhelmed with tears of joy that my God swaddled me; I then was instructed to close the Bible and reopen it and read again where my eye’s fell,this time opening to Psalm 27:10-11 and as I read this scripture today I am comforted in the very same words of Psalm 27:10-14
10) though my father and mother forsake me,the Lord will receive me ( adopt me).
11) teach me your way, Lord;lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors. 12) Do not turn me over to the desires of my foes,for false witnesses rise up against me,spouting malicious accusations. 13) I remain confident in this:I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. 14) wait for the Lord;Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
In these words written further in the verses of 12 -14 As I read them on this day I find myself surrounded by the spirit of peace as it rests on and within me,for the scriptures given thirty years ago in a dire situation has today filled me with great joy,then as I read further I’m absolutely in awe of what the Lord is reaffirming to me,reassuring me,He has everything under control and to wait on Him for I shall surely see His blessings in this journey in the land of the living and I am excited to see the Lord’s work for I know I was to care for momma as Father God expects with a love as His,I have worked in elder care years ago,in fact momma trained me in what care she receives today. Isn’t God amazing how He takes every part of our lives and perfectly leads,guides,speaks and straightens our paths when we surrender to His will.