I often write from my heart,the raw emotions I may be feeling through a memory or what is taking place in my life,I may not be a distinguished writer and author, I may not have thousands of followers and those commenting how beautiful, heartfelt or mind blowing my posts or articles may be but isn’t there something to be said for someone writing not from blocked or of censorship of their words emotions or real life happenings lost and void of one’s self.
I find myself wanting to give up on many things in my life,this blog,the marriage,the pretending life is fairies, unicorns and happily ever after. Trying to create this blog,writing and sharing myself was easier last year before my suicide, then when I posted what I thought was my last moment writing to my daughter and Donnie, that post received more views than any other to date which seems very off to say the least. I seem to have lost followers or my followers have lost interest. I seen no views to my pages in the stats but last year at this time my viewers were out the roof and many would make a comment, now nothing !!! Why is is and why should I really care? Is it i touch a place where you too find yourself yet try to hide and i deal with mine in the wide open for all to see unhidden from Satan and of course God. See I’ve always said I’m an open book and have nothing to hide,I also believe if I expose my feelings,emotions and the happenings in my life satan can’t use them against me. Am I raw yes,am I truthful yes,am I a different type of person and writer yes and isn’t that what the world is longing for? The one person or persons who are willing to expose everything to another to let them know you’re not alone nor is there anything wrong with you,that your thoughts are normal though no one else want to admit it because we’ve been taught to keep ourselves and our emotions bottled up locked deep inside but yet when tragedy as a suicide happens people feel they should have noticed the signs of something happening..yes you should have but you’re so engrossed in yourself, the narcissistic person you are you never give thought of my emotional needs. It’s much easier to avoid something you don’t understand than to actually listen to me telling you exactly what I need. Why is it said, people especially women are hard to understand? Most women including myself tell their partner exactly what is needed to please and make them happy but the partner is unable and unwilling to be told anything because that’s unmasculine to obey the female, ” no bitch is going to tell me what to do ! ” so he struggles in making her happy as he flounders doing the exact opposite of what she needs.
The narcissistic ass that he is is never truly listening to his partner with his heart,he’s listening to his own thoughts that tell him to pull away,put everything into your work which is more important that everyone or everything. She’s nut because I give her materialistic belongs,look they’re all around and she’s still not happy,she says she needs my time,what the hell for? For me to hear things I’m not interested in hearing so I talk about what interests me and that’s work,the people at work and what I believe is happening at work,she sets and listens as I complain or comment how wonderful it is to be needed at the office because I’m the man,it’s all about me as his wife and marriage slow dies because the narcissistic ass is too involved with himself and those at work matter more to be even bothered my her weepy,selfish self. She actually want my time,my time is precious and only available for those at work,male or female though i did have an emotional affair because i spend more time joking and laughing with the women at work telling them about my wife than I ever do with her and she’s gets better hurt why? She’s really selfish because I’m moving up in the company and have worked hard to get here and she’s jealous of me and my position Oh how wrong the narcissistic views are. All she’s needing is for you to give her the hour you so freely give to the secretaries at work truly listening with your heart in what she’s needing from you but you refuse because she’s telling you what to do and by damned I’m man and that shit just doesn’t happen. Me man head of family ugg she woman do as I say if not beat her,she need beat into submission and obey me. Ugg Me man !!!