I am who I am with flaws included and with every emotion from what I have gone through in life. As hard as I may try to move on past the hurts or bad memories and emotions I find myself being take back to them through a thought that arises or from a good memory which included the person who inflicted the pain from the act the so cruelly impacted of life’s with or just a scent. I’m amazed by a scent bringing feeling and emotions to life good or bad.
A work in progress
I’m a work in progress and there are times I will regress before progress can be made and there are many times I’m pushed by people, situation or circumstances to regress to the old self I once was because I’ve been given no choice but to defend myself in abusive or combative situations,there’s not doubt I will defend myself at all cost even if that means I lose my life. It’s a code that has been instilled within me from my great grandmother Ollie Campbell Foster who was married to Bill Foster an abusive alcoholic who from stories heard from her neighbors or from her herself about the many times her and her children hid beneath the house in Oklahoma winters to hide from the abusive drunk causing her and her children to huddled together around where the fireplace sat for warmth until he passed out or left the premise where they could gain warmth, eat and gather together what may be needed for them in hiding.
At the age of six or seven I can remember sitting on my great grandmother’s porch with her as she fixed her hair so we could walk to town, great grandma walked everywhere as did alot of her generation and the one of my grandparent’s.
Oh how I loved brushing her long silky hair of what seemed as spun gold,silver and white satin threads attached to the most wonderful woman God had ever created in my world. As I brushed her hair she would tell me the happenings in her life how I wish I could remember more than the one I’m about to tell but back then I never realized how relevant her words would be to my now in my need 60’s.
This one sunny yet still cool morning for walking to town for the few things she needed seemed perfect for me because I was with her,one of the sweetest yet steadfast women in my life. She was filled with love,true grit and sometimes a no nonsense woman and told things often matter of factly as she morning as I brushed her hair with the morning sunlight glistening on every strand. As I brushed she told of how great grandpa Bill used to treat her and the children when he was drinking, how she and the children would have to hide not to get beaten by him at those times. As I was placing her pearl combs in the sides of her hair and the pins she wore which were gifted to her by one of her son’s Jimmy Foster who was overseas severing in the military when they were given to her the many years before, she was so proud of his service and of the gifts she wore in her hair to the day she was placed to rest by great grandpa Bill.
What I was told has remained with me all these years
Grandma Ollie as we great grandchildren and grandchildren called her told me of the time grandpa hit her for the last time as long as he lived afterwards. This one particular day grandpa had come home drinking as usual and as she had taken beatings for so long that at the time her children had grown up and she was tired of his behavior, that after he passed out she had sewn him into the bed to keep him from be able to move and come after her she took a cast iron egg skillet and a small baseball bat and beat him until she could beat him no longer and left him laying there and went about her business. I cant remember how long she allowed him to lay there or when she dared to let him go but from what I remember he never hit her again as long as he lived and her last words before going to town was,” child if in life you find yourself married to an abusive alcoholic remember a cast iron egg skillet is just the right weight to swing and beat him from head to toe.” And continued with
” Don’t let that man beat you like I allowed grandpa Bill to beat me all those years.”
Now that I’m nearing my sixties I find these words haunting me at different times when I’m being abused by an alcoholic husband.
For 5 of the 10 years we’ve been together the abuse was emotional and mental abuse now within the last several years it has became abusive where I’m straggled,pulled by the hair,slapped over and over as he sits on me and I’m dragged from room to room or when I go to another room to get away he follows me to that room to continue his wrathful beatings. Do I fight back yes you bet I do,can I stand equal to a 6’7″ 268 pound man no I can’t when I’m 5′ 120 pounds at the most. Why don’t I call the police !!! I’m told he grew up in this town,went to school with all of the police and works accidents with them on his job,that they will believe him over me and he will tell them I start everything having me arrested. Why don’t I leave ? I have no job no income and no family I can live with to get on my feet.
One day God will move me I truly believe this.. there will come a time when Father God says it’s time to go giving me the opportunity, money and home to live in while I procure employment.
When the beatings came
The beatings started when his mother and sister started trouble with me,he knew I did nothing to instigate this and the other two attacks towards me. His mother telling the police I needed to leave so that Donnie could take care of only her until his death then he could remarry but not me. Donnie didn’t talk to her until he was called because she,his mother was dying,he going to a sister’s house where the mother was found her sitting up in bed where he apologized for me and said things would change and they did. She went home the next day still to this day living by herself across the pond from us,that’s when the beatings began because I said I never apologize for something I didn’t do and I did nothing to them.That’s when I realized he left me for his family, it not being where the word says to leave mother and father and cleave unto your wife for you are one. We are not one because of his choice and because of his words,” I run this marriage and it will be done as I want ! ” this is the time he took God out of the head of our marriage, when an emotional affair started ( he told me of the emotional affair) he didn’t say if it was sexual and when the beatings began because I stood up for myself. The last beating was on the 6th of may 2020 while I’m healing from a secondary wound from my tummy tuck. No beatings occurred during the time of the operation till now.
As he crouched over me straggling me I grabbed his testicles and pulled them in different directions to get his hands from around my neck needless to say he’s caring for a rip on his family jewels. They are not in need of stitches,nor is his tear anything near what a woman goes through during birth or a gash given by a nail or fence that could rip up open but I hope it’s enough to remind him never to hit me again.
Do I have flaws
Yes I have flaws but I try to better myself every day,I soul search and examine myself often to see if I’m what God desires of me therefore I know a hedge of protection is upon me and Father God will remove me. Donnie’s words were I wouldn’t have anything if it were not for him,the pride removed God from everything therefore until he realizes he needs to turn back to God, God will protect and move me and if it would be I death I then will be with the Lord. I fear not death because I committed suicide August 14,2019 if I was afraid of death I wouldn’t of overdosed to be kept alive by God to be beaten to death my Hod doesn’t operate that way !!! He has a better place for me to go and grow,I believe without a shadow of a doubt it’s in Colorado where He God will use me mightily.