Learning to let go and letting God
Learning to let go and trusting God though a struggle isn’t completely impossible.
There was a time in my life,I had no choice but to say, “Father God there’s nothing else I can do,I put everything in your hands because you know everything that’s happening and you know how to sustain me in every way.” I was a homemaker for 26 years not working outside my home, in 1999 I was in a car accident that turned a facet in my spine causing it to push against my spinal sac causing me unbearable pain with that same pain today which is managed with narcotic medication,if not for the medication I would be bedridden most days unable to function because of the debilitating pain. Through the years Fibromyalgia,lupus and RA have reared their ugly heads where I am in flares because of the weather changes,stress and over extending myself because I’ve not learned to slow down and do things in moderation until recently.
In 2009 I was forced to find employment because the marriage desolved ” Praise God” I was ecstatic the marriage was ending but feared I wouldn’t find employment because of my back injury and the medications I am taking. I hit the streets putting my applications in everywhere even at a funeral home. I in my younger years worked as a nurses aide in nursing homes,I worked in a daycare having 21 2 year olds and after that I still wanted children ( great laughter) I also worked as an office manager for a company who sandblasted and painted barges. In that position I did all that was expected from answering the phone to parts runner,I also did time cards, payroll,dispatching, purchase agent and writing the invoices to be sent to the companies for the work done. Though I had a personal reference from the co-owner of the company, president and company attorney I was unable to find employment for a month or a bit longer which seemed like an eternity when you find yourself on your own but not alone.
My walk with Father God strengthen because I could do nothing, no doors were opening in my favor. Praise God I had a roof over my head at that time and food stamps to be able to eat, I can’t explain how I had money for gas to hunt for a job or for cigarettes, toilet paper and other things food stamps don’t pay for BUT GOD…I never did without anything !!!
In my conversations with Father God I was instructed to write down everything I needed each morning in my time with him ( I fellowshiped with Him constantly throughout the day as I do now) then at night in my nightly conversation with Him I would be instructed to check the list to see if He provided me with everything I needed and each day He provided everything on my list. I became so accustomed to this I would make my list place it in the back of my Bible and each night as I crawled into bed I instinctively grabbed the Bible and checked my list as I praised Him till I fell asleep. I constantly had praise music or the Christian tv shows on to keep me in God’s peace for I also suffer with manic/ bipolar ups, downs and deep depression modes. My trusting Father God was not easy at first because I like everyone I like to have control, I had to take my hands off of me and my life and completely give it to Him. Which by the way is such a relief in giving it all to Him who knows what I need and what I do not. I desired to be obedient and at times I’d struggle with it all but at the end of that month or so I was completely a different Teresa,the old Teresa was dead and the new Teresa stood stronger more confident and self assured. In a trial years later I allowed that old Teresa to emerge, then fought for a few years to have her put back in the place Father God places the old us to now becoming the new and improved Teresa I am this day. In the years of returning to what I had been my marriage of now 10 years was stressed beyond belief, I committed what Drs call a success suicide because I took enough of my medications to kill myself which you see was not successful Praise God. I’m getting back the self confidence and assurance that comes from a deep relationship with Father God. I daily,every second have conversations with Father God, now it’s different because I laugh at how our relationship has grown and changed. If it were not for putting things down and not remembering where they are, like my phone was in the freezer for 35 minutes because I laid it down to get something out of it, then the postal service brought a package so I closed the freezer with phone left there ( again great laughter) until I realized where I had left it. I do this alot and must ask Father God to help me in finding whatever I miss placed so I have alot of conversations with Him on a daily basis. I say conversation because they’re not prayers, because I talk to Father God as a best friend because He is certainly that. I look back at all He’s brought me through and some instances I didn’t know till after the fact how He’s worked on my behalf in my journey to where I am now and where I’m going. I’m looking forward to this next journey because He’s guiding my steps. I don’t know about you but I’m tired of doing things my way and messing everything up,I’ve given Him my life and said, ” here it’s yours,I’ll go where you want me to go,I’ll say what you want me to say lead me I’m yours,with you guiding my steps I will succeed in all you want me to for everything my hands touch prospers because your word tells me this. I am the head and not the tail,I am above and not beneath. I am an overcomer because you have overcome death and live within me.
Learning to let go and letting God