Do you ever get the feeling that you need to change things for the better in your life….or relationship? Don’t feel alone,as January 1st rolls around we all set goals to make self change in one way or another. I personally have stopped making New Years resolutions because I’m the world’s worst at not carrying any of them through;every resolution I have made since I have been making New Year resolutions have ended in incompletion.. 😊
I do my best with self examination where changing throughout the year is an on going progress that works very well for me.With self examination I can find those things in my personality or my in mindset which needs changing then with praying,fasting, and working diligently throughout the year to change,I find in doing so more progress is made.
In this New Year I have met opposition at every turn. The more it seems I try to resolve or change especially in my personal relationship the more rejection I receive. There are day’s we’re both here due to rain or days off I stay in another room giving him space so his spirit can be eased back in,for it seems in one way or another I tend to agitate his spirit, so I stay clear this leaving me spending another day by myself when I’m actually dying inside to be with him. After awhile of this I now find it easier spending time with myself. Never would I have imaged at fifty-nine years old I’d find myself here,alone when with someone or longing to do things with my spouse but rejected for some reason or another. He then has the odasity to ask me,” why don’t you smile more ? I scream insize myself ,” if you’d give me a reason to smile I would.”
The damage rejection creates is severe and long lasting, it also makes a depressed person even more depressed.
I’m learning though it’s best to be alone with myself to stop trying to work on the relationship; for both us need to have a desire to want the relationship and marriage but with only one doing all the work it’s impossible and futile. I’m also finding if it ends, it ends and at least I’ve done everything I could do to make it better,stronger and with more communication but none of this has worked,he’s not budging,he gives a little;just enough to give me hope then strips it all from me.
THERE ARE NO NEED FOR TEARS …. THERE ARE NO MORE TO BE CRIED….
I find myself exhausted from praying for the last five years for each of us to change, to be the spouses Father God desires us to be within our marriage and I have come to the conclusion it’s better to pray to be moved,also requesting it to be suddenly. See I have no problem living by myself, yet I’m not really by myself because I have Father God with me always,now if He should pull away I am good as dead and losing my relationship with Him will be disastrous,I’m nothing with out Father God!
I’m thinking of moving into a spare bed where I can be in a more mental and emotional safe place for me,this way when God makes the transition of moving me to Colorado I wouldn’t have pangs of staying because of feelings of there could be more I can try to do; for it seems I’ve exhausted them all.” The I’ll try,with nothing even changing no long than a week which is all futile;we now can concentrate on being civil with each until Father God moves me.
This morning is the day I’ve been shown that only my spouse can allow the relationship to be mended,renewed and fulfilling and if that’s not his desire it’s over.
Am I sad? of course I am ,am I depressed NO,I’m more relieved of not having to walk on eggs shells watching what I do or say. No, I don’t have thoughts of suicide,and I have no regrets. I’ve given him five years of pure bliss before our relationship was thrown to the wolves to devour,while I stood there on the battlefield alone,fighting by myself as he chose the pack of which he came from not the person God ordained for him.
For this purpose a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife
This is written word by God.
Since the time of the marital betrayal I have literally lived in hell as a punishment persay for not allowing his people to walk all over me and my trust is completely gone! Without trust what is left? NOTHING
Though I’m told,”it’s only the two of us and we will make it,” it’s clear he’s desiring nothing more than a companionship as with a dog.Marriage is to be much more with having a loving marutal companionship and communictiom with love,kindness,respect,patience,willing a team working in unity not he be the oppressor.
I’m not settling in being one’s companion when I can be much more in the plans God has for me. God did not bring me into a covenant of marriage to be very cute Yorkie, Poodle, Great Pyrenees or any other type of companion,but to be his wife his help mate,a partner in every area of life.
I find comfort in the fact God has never failed me,He has always covered me, bringing me into a higher realm with Him,always meeting all of my needs and in Him whom I place all my of my trust.
Yes am I saddened; but a bit more peaceful because the battles over.
No more fighting, no more eggshells, no more rejection, no more pleading and begging for something that should be givinen freely from your spouse.
I have done nothing wrong which constitutes a divorce so therefore the only request is that we remain married and also celibate ( not having any kind of sex with another sexual partner…EVER … as long as we as long as we are still married. )
When it’s God’s time,He Himself will move me from here until then I shall wait upon our Lord. May this house and it’s occupants know God’s peace until I’m out of here.